breaking up with girlfriend

Breaking-Up 101: Understanding What The Hell Just Happened

So she dumped you. Yeah, I know - it totally sucks. The pain, the regret, the constant churning in the pit of your stomach that feels like someone just punched you in the solar plexus.

There's nothing quite like being rejected, and when it's your girlfriend who's doing the rejecting it can feel like the whole world is coming to an end. This however, is where the men get separated from the boys. This is where those who get up and do things get separated from those who lay back and let things happen to them.

This is also why you already know so many couples who managed to get back together, yet you also know some people who broke up and were unable to win back the person they still loved.

Many guys will walk away in defeat after an unwanted breakup. Some will make feeble, half-assed efforts to get their girlfriends back, and these will fail quickly and miserably. And then there's you... the person who's stopped to seek help from others. The person who's trying to learn as much as possible before moving forward, because whatever they've tried to do so far just hasn't been working. And in the end, you made the right move.

The bad news here is that reversing a breakup can often be hard. The good news is that it's an entirely learnable skill. It can be taught, the knowledge can be retained, and it can be applied to your own unique situation in order to put you and your girlfriend back together again.

As a quick example, we all know THAT guy. He's the funny guy, the cool and confident guy, the sweet, charming and charismatic guy who makes everyone laugh with whatever he says. He ends up getting most of the girls he goes after, and not because he's the best looking guy in the group but simply because he knows the game. He's watched it, he's learned how it's played, and he now knows precisely what he's doing.

Luckily, those exact same principals apply to getting your girlfriend back. When you know what works and what doesn't work, the process becomes a whole lot easier. Do it right just once, and it almost becomes second nature. But not knowing what to do? Well, that leaves you guessing. That leaves you trying whatever ideas happen to come to mind, and hoping or praying that somehow those ideas might work.

John Cusack won't help get your girlfriend back
You are NOT John Cusack.
This is NOT Say Anything.

The problem with the trial and error method to reversing your breakup is that you only get one good shot. Make too many mistakes along the path to reconciliation and it's too late - you've already blown it.

And once you do blow it? It's extremely hard to go back. By then, your ex girlfriend sees you as a useless tool. She'll resist all future attempts at even the most innocent contact, and any chance you might've had at dating her again goes flying right out the window.

This Is why you NEVER want to leave fixing your breakup to chance. You never want to operate without a plan, and you never want to pick up the phone (or the car keys) and just think you can 'wing it'. Because unless you're John Cusack, and unless you're starring in Say Anything, winging it is only going to get you one thing: permanently single.

So chin up. Stop sulking. Ditch that box of Kleenex, and let's get moving. Your ex girlfriend isn't going to wait around forever, and neither are the guys who are itching to date her. There's lots to learn about getting her back, and the sooner you put down the boombox the quicker you can actually get started.

Step 1: Handling Your Breakup Correctly

The right mindset always sets the stage for positive results.

Before concentrating for a single minute on getting your ex back, you'll first need to concentrate on yourself. The right attitude is absolutely critical to success, while the wrong mindset is going to delay or prevent you from getting back together.

Sulking? STOP IT. Falling into deep depression? SNAP OUT OF IT. Upset and crying that you might never hold your girlfriend in your arms again? You know what to do. Slap yourself in the face if you need to, but sitting around feeling sorry for yourself isn't going to get your girlfriend back. Even worse, it's going to hurt your chances by making you look needy and pathetic - two traits you want to avoid at all costs, because girls can smell weakness the way sharks smell blood.

Get over your breakup

You see this guy?   

He's a million miles away. He'll eat his own hand off before he'll figure out how to get back with his girlfriend. Yet at the same time, he'll still try.

He thinks he can win his ex back through pity or guilt. He's the chump sending his girl a dozen roses that go straight into the garbage, or leaving notes on the windshield of her car that go completely unread.

His mind isn't straight right now because he's too focused on the end goal: getting her back. Instead of concentrating on the steps necessary to get there, he's trying to rush right to the end result, and this is why he fails.

Stalking Your Ex
Don't be a psycho.
No one likes a psycho.

  Now see this guy?

He's taking a more aggressive, balls to the wall approach to winning his ex back.

This is the guy who will pick up the phone and dial her house every ten minutes. He'll leave her a dozen voicemails and a hundred rambling text-messages. He'll also think that it's all perfectly normal.

He drives by her job, to see if she's working, and by her friend's house, to see who she's hanging out with. He also calls her family, to pry out information.

Eventually his ex goes off on him in a frustrated rage, telling him to leave her the hell alone or else. In the span of one week's time he's gone from loving boyfriend to frightening stalker... and worst of all, he doesn't understand why.

Want Ex Girlfriend Back

Finally, this guy right here?   

He has no chance at all. He's traded all his self-respect for a big box of tissues. He spends every day curled up in the fetal position, one hand on the phone, crying his pansy eyes out because every song on the radio seems to somehow remind him of his ex girlfriend.

Think she's gonna want him back? A shattered, weak, miserable wreck who she's now seen at his absolute, rock-bottom worst? Not in this life.

To sum it up, getting your ex back takes CONTROL. You need to seize back control over the relationship, yes, but before you can do that you need to regain control of yourself. You need to have a clear mind and a level head. You should be able to act patiently and deliberately, and be able to go a few hours or even a whole day without even thinking about your ex girlfriend. Then, and only then, will you be ready to get started on winning her back.

Why She's Still Watching You, Even After The Breakup

If you think your girlfriend dumped you without looking back, think again. Your ex's feelings didn't drop off at the breakup speech; this is a girl who loved you enough to date you. So after she breaks up with you? She's certainly looking over her shoulder. She wants to see how you handle yourself after the breakup, and she does this for two big reasons:

1)  Pure, unadulterated, feminine curiosity.

2)  Your ex wants to know that she made the right decision by dumping you.

Yeah, that's right, your girlfriend is looking for justification. She wants to know that ditching you was a good idea, and that she'd be better off without you.

Ideally, you'll fall to pieces without her. You'll chase her a little, become an emotional wreck, and woefully regret the day you ever let her go. This is the type of reaction your girlfriend wants to see, because it blows her ego sky high. It makes her think she really is the shit, and that every other guy would be lucky to have her.

For this one important reason, you need to be on your very best behavior after the breakup. You need to do JUST the right things, and put forth EXACTLY the right vibe if you want to ultimately win your girlfriend back. How you handle yourself right now, after she dumps you, will determine whether you'll get her back or lose her for good.

So, still want your girlfriend back? You'll need:

Strength - Not just physical strength (although that never hurts) but mental and emotional strength as well. Your girlfriend wants a man who's strong and decisive; a guy who stands up for himself, and who doesn't take shit from anybody - including her. She wants to know she's protected.

Confidence - Nothing beats confidence. Women are instinctually attracted to men who are sure of themselves, and will always choose a confident guy over one who's always testing the waters before jumping into the pool. And yes, you can be confident without being arrogant.

Charisma - Charismatic guys will always have a girl hanging off their shoulder, and will constantly have something to do. They become leaders without even trying, because charisma is a naturally attractive trait for both sexes, and always equates to spontaneous fun.

Optimism - Are you always doom and gloom? A glass half-empty kind of guy? Recognize and fix this. Optimism is extremely attractive, because it makes everyone else feel better about themselves. Girls are always attracted to guys who constantly see good things on the horizon.

Independence - Few things are more unattractive than neediness. If you've ditched your friends, have no outside interests, and have been spending all of your time glued to your girlfriend's side, chances are you've lost your independence. Develop your own thing, and your own agenda, and your ex will start seeing you as having a life of your own again.

Happiness - Examine the end of your relationship. Were you unhappy? If so, it made your girlfriend unhappy as well. Stress, depression, falling into a rut... these things dragged your relationship down, and sucked all the fun out it. If you want your ex back she'll need to see you happy again, or there's no incentive for her to take you back. In the end, the real reason you date someone is to have a good time.

These are the fundamental traits that girls are attracted to in a guy. You had some or most of them at one point, when your girlfriend first fell in love with you. To get her back, you'll need to exhibit these traits again... and probably even more than you did the first time around.

Now that you know all this, step back and take a good look at yourself. Are you sullen and depressed? Angry or bitter? Have you been acting needy or desperate around your ex girlfriend, in your attempts to get her back?

More importantly, would you want to date yourself again? Are you making yourself attractive to your ex girlfriend, or are you putting forth the type of negative vibes that will ultimately turn her away?

Alright, you get the point. Enough with laying the groundwork. Let's get started on the next step, and this is probably one of the most important:

Step 2: Damage Control & Counter-Rejection Techniques

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